Photo of the Week

ParisUpdate-LaDefense

Sunset over La Defense © Paris Update

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save  

Paris Update What’s On

Links to events happening this week in Paris

English-language theater festival

ParisUpdate-ParisFringe-Geometrika300

> Paris Fringe returns for its second year of English-language theater and comedy. Various venues, Paris, May 18-28.

Pre-Edinburgh play
> Sugar Baby, by Anne Penketh and starring Holly-Rose Clegg, will play in Paris before moving on to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.  La Chapelle des Lombards, Paris, May 20.

Annie in English
> The International Players present the musical Annie. Le Quai 3, Le Pecq, May 18-21.

Late-night art
> Museums stay open into the night for free and hold special events for the Nuit Européenne des Musées. Various locations. Paris, May 16.

Left Bank gallery crawl
> Open house at 50 galleries for Art Saint Germain des Prés. Various venues, Paris, May 18-June 3.

Gold in galleries
> The Carré Rive Gauche, an association of Left Bank galleries celebrates its 40th anniversary with an event called ExtrORdinaire, featuring gold in works of art. Opening night: May 18. Various venues, Paris, May 18-June 3.

All that jazz...
> Jazz acts ranging from amateurs to big names at the Festival Jazz à Saint-Germain-des-Prés. Various venues, Paris, May 11-22.

Literary Latin Quarter
> Readings, book signings, storytelling, concerts and more at the Quartier du Livre festival. Various venues, Paris, May 17-24.

Emerging artists
> The Salon de Montrougehas been exhibiting the work of young artists every year for 62 years. Le Beffroi, Montrouge, through May 24.

Plays from all over Europe
> The Chantiers d'Europe festival presents theatrical performances from Portugal, the Netherlands, Spain, Greece, Croatia and the United Kingdom. Théâtre de la Ville–Espace Pierre Cardin, May 2-24

Hollywood glam
> Marilyn Monroe, Greta Garbo, Ava Gardner, Marlene Dietrich and more in classic films from Hollywood's Golden Age for the Glamour cycle. Forum des Images, Paris, May 3-31

Photo shows galore
> Le Mois de la Photo has been moved from autumn to spring, with 96 exhibitions taking place all over the greater Paris area. See Web site for locations and dates.

French film with English subtitles
> Lost in Frenchlation shows Emmanuelle Cuau’s Pris de Court, preceded by a themed cocktail party (€4.50). Studio 28, Paris, May 19.

Virtual reality
> Drop in on Saturday or Sunday from 2pm to 8pm for a free virtual trip at the VR Express festival. Forum des Images, Paris, through June 30.

Dance in historic sites
> Monuments en Mouvement offers free dance performances in national monuments like the Pantheon in Paris, the Abbaye de Cluny and châteaux. Various locations, through Oct. 21.

African culture festival
> The 100% Afriques festival showcases dance, theater, music, fashion, design, art, food and more from all over the continent. La Villette, Paris, through May 28.

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save  

Hot Topics - C'est ironique !

 

The Sublimely Ridiculous Beyond the Périphérique: Even More Ill-Advised English Shop Signs (Part 14)

Special Guest City:
Bordeaux

ParisUpdate-Ironique-OBag-OneStep

So many shops in Bordeaux have English names, the city passed an ordinance requiring them to line up in alphabetical order.

Lately I’ve been thinking about the science of origins. Not much, and on the shallowest possible level, but thinking. Our understanding of mankind’s place in the universe has been greatly enriched by such historic insights as:

• The human race probably originated in Africa.

• Western civilization probably originated in Mesopotamia.

• The concept of democracy probably originated in ancient Greece.

• This goddamn sore throat probably originated from that jerk with the full ear tattoos who was coughing like crazy without covering his mouth on a crowded Métro train the other day.

It’s not often that I get to contribute to the advancement of a scientific discipline, but today I have a groundbreaking discovery to add to this vast and august body of knowledge, namely:

• The ill-advised use of English in commercial signage in France probably originated in Bordeaux.

I base this hypothesis on two carefully researched factors:

1) Bordeaux and the surrounding region of Aquitaine were ruled by the English for 300 years, from 1154 to 1453, when the French finally drove les citronverties out after learning that they were making wine spritzers with Saint Emilion.

2) I went there last month, wandered around, and saw a whole lot of idiotic English signs.

In fact, so many that they could be strung together in a travelogue. A travelogue whose title would be:

Bordeaux, City of...

ParisUpdate-Ironique-SignsandWonders

Image from Google Maps because I saw it from a cab and couldn’t get a shot and didn’t make it back to that neighborhood and the dog ate my flash drive.

Bordeaux is a beautiful city, with a stunning waterfront on the Garonne River, block after block of historic architecture, great food, even better wine and, best of all, the highest per capita density of poorly conceived English business names that I have ever seen.

The city is definitely part of the:

ParisUpdate-Ironique-Upper

... one percent worldwide in the well-intentioned but failed use of English.

Of course, every travelogue has to start:

ParisUpdate-Ironique-Somewhere

... so let’s start with the people of Bordeaux. Based on my own observations, and more importantly my need to make, desperately, some kind of transition to the next photo, they tend to be very style-conscious and pay close, meticulous attention to their wardrobes, hairstyles and appearance, right down to the:

ParisUpdate-Ironique-GeneralCosmeticsHairs

Image also from Google Maps for most of the previously-mentioned reasons.

Not only that, but they seem to make a special effort to keep themselves and all of their personal possessions scrupulously clean. Look closely at any local resident, and you will notice that he or she has clean hair, clean fingernails, clean clothes, clean shoes and even a:

ParisUpdate-Ironique-CleanWatch

And once they’re all spruced up, they love nothing better than to go out for a nice meal. Bordeaux is home to an array of restaurants for every taste and preference. Some people prefer to:

ParisUpdate-Ironique-Eat Salad

While others confess to being a:

ParisUpdate-Ironique-BagelsKook

However, if you happen to be a:

ParisUpdate-Ironique-Headict

You really should have a meal at one of the city’s most famous bistros:

ParisUpdate-Ironique-PontacsHead

Linguists and historians believe that this establishment is the origin of the well-known expression, “Never eat anything larger than your, or Pontac’s, head.”

Asian food is also in abundant supply, especially in the many small eateries that are easy to find in the city’s central pedestrian district, which is not but should be called the:

ParisUpdate-Ironique-WokWay

Astronaut Buzz Aldrin once had a dinner of stir-fried chicken and snow peas in Bordeaux, and the restaurant was renamed, sort of, in his honor:

ParisUpdate-Ironique-MoonWok

Or was it Michael Jackson? In any case, the food is so good in Bordeaux that you might be tempted to forgo any other activities and:

ParisUpdate-Ironique-JustEat

But don’t, because you want to have time to stroll the waterfront and the city’s lovely historic center. Also because if you overindulge and don’t work off any calories strolling, you’ll need to buy new trousers and you might be embarrassed when the salesperson asks you:

ParisUpdate-Ironique-Size

This is only one of the sighs-inducing shop signs that you will find in Bordeaux. Why this fascination with English? Because it is such a:

ParisUpdate-Ironique-TrendyPlace

In conclusion, anyone who can visit Bordeaux and not come away charmed by the myriad attributes of this wonderful city must be an:

ParisUpdate-Ironique-InglouriousBarStar

Image yet again from Google Maps because I’m just a lazy bar-star.

This is Part 14 of a recurring feature. Click here for the previous installment, which contains a link the previous installment, which contains a link to the previous installment, which contains a link to the previous installment, which etc., so on and undsoweiter until you get all the way back to Part One. Or you can click your heels and say “There’s no place like home” and see where that gets you.

Have you seen a ridiculous sign in France? Trust me, you will. When it happens, please send me a photo in care of This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. .

David Jaggard

Note to readers: David Jaggard’s e-book Quorum of One: Satire 1998-2011 is now available on Amazon as well as iTunes, iBookstore, Nook, Reader Store, Kobo, Copia and many other distributors.

Follow C’est Ironique on Facebook and Twitter.

Click here to read all of this week’s new articles on the Paris Update home page.

Reader Reaction: Click This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. to respond to this article (your response may be published on this page and is subject to editing).

Click here for more C’est Ironique! columns.

Support Paris Update by ordering books from Paris Update’s Amazon store at no extra cost. Click on your preferred Amazon location: U.K., France, U.S.

© 2015 Paris Updat